[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

such as a phone call he needed to handle or traffic on the way.
Unbeknownst to himself, Drew is so locked into his agenda of
proving his independence and not wanting to be told what to
do that he didn t even want to be told what to do by himself.
This dynamic is commonly labeled procrastination. He set up the
date but then resisted the time constraint because anything
that tells him where to go and what to do even his own
schedule is an anathema.
How many times do we, as individuals, operate like Drew?
We want to have a magical relationship, and yet, mystifyingly, our
actions seem to be directly opposed to what we say we want.
Ho w t o Cr e at e a Magi c al Re l at i o ns hi p
38
Let s tease the Drew scenario out a little further. It is now
6:45 and Drew is rushing to leave. He dumps his clothes in a
heap, showers, hastily shaves, and rifl es through his closet in
search of the perfect outfi t, discarding this and that until he
fi nds something to wear. Now, leaving a trail of destruction
behind him, he rushes back into the bathroom, combs his hair,
and automatically reaches for his cologne, spraying it liber-
ally. Drew freezes midspritz. He has just remembered that the
woman he is going to meet has a severe allergy to scents of
any kind. He now is pressured by the time and has to make a
decision. Oh, well, he thinks, it will probably wear off by the time I get
there. I can t be late, and he rushes out the door.
Poor Drew. His date is now a recipe for disaster. He really,
truly likes this woman. He also cares about her, but his unwill-
ingness to be told what to do, which he is unaware of, takes
precedence over his adult aim of having a satisfying relation-
ship. His desire for independence is the background, mostly
unnoticed, upon which he plays his life. His reaching for that
bottle of cologne and his dashing out the door anyway even
after he realizes his mistake acts out his resistance to having his
life constrained by this other person s allergies. Somewhere he
resented being  told not to wear fragrance. He is habituated
to automatically challenging anything that seems to impinge
on his rights.
In the preceding story, Drew had one agenda to be on
time and another agenda to fi nd a mate, yet simultaneously
and unawarely he also had the agenda to not be dominated by
the requests put upon him by his life. So here we have a classic
example of simultaneous yet confl icting agendas. You might
think that Drew s story is an extreme case. Not so. Here are
more everyday examples:
The two of us were invited to a dinner where some of the
guests were vegetarians and the host was not. He prepared
baked red peppers, some of which he filled with beef and the
Re c o g n i z i n g Hi d d e n Ag e n d a s
39
others he stuffed with mixed vegetables. But somehow, there
just  happened to be partially cooked ground beef fi lling the
bottom of the  vegetarian peppers. Upon looking at this  mis-
take, our host realized that his disagreement with his guests
food preferences was displayed in his finished product without
his awareness. What might appear as an accident was really not
an accident at all but an unconscious agenda in disguise!
A waitress told us that she had a tendency to forget orders
or make mistakes when she disagreed with or didn t like the
customers food choice. She surprised herself by seeing that her
agenda to be right about her taste in food was more important
than good service, customer satisfaction, and tips.
We have seen one partner of a couple resist the other s way
of doing things even though it destroyed the relationship. We
have also seen people fi red from jobs because they refused to
follow how the boss wanted things fi led or presented because
the employees had to do things their own way, even if it cost
them their livelihood.
THE TERRIBLE TWOS
Take a look at any two-year-old. A parent s admonition not
to touch something is the same as a command to touch it.
Sometimes this age is called the  terrible twos. This is because
at this age, children are virtually uncontrollable and have a
tendency to do everything that is contrary to what is being
requested of them.  No! a child will emphatically state as he
or she rushes toward the street and the parent, aware of dan-
ger, has to restrain him or her. As adults, haven t we observed
our own behaviors that seem to be at war with what we want
to accomplish in our relationships? Hasn t the voice of reason
whispered, I better get ready to go if I want to be on time, while the
other voice in our head wheedles and whines, Just fi ve more min-
utes, until we are so pressured that we can hardly make it on
time? That  just fi ve more minutes conversation may sound
Ho w t o Cr e at e a Magi c al Re l at i o ns hi p
40
suspiciously like the one you had with your parents when they
were trying to get you to go to bed.
Drew has tried to analyze why he is often late to important
engagements. He has even made resolutions to be on time. So,
when faced with calling and communicating with his date and
giving her the option to say,  Don t worry about the cologne,
or  Take a shower and come later, or  Let s have our date
another day, he rushes out the door in hopes of it being all
right but, in all honesty, knowing that he is bringing a problem
with him.
 How to fi x this? you might ask. Well, fi xing or changing
this pattern will lead to more inappropriate actions. Don t for-
get, Drew s resolution to be on time as if this were the source
of his problems has blinded him to the fact that  on time is
not always the right or the only choice. If, on the other hand,
you simply become aware of your hidden agendas, you will
not have to act them out mechanically. With awareness, you
become free to make appropriate choices in your life.
INHERITED TRAITS
Some of your agendas may actually be inherited traits. We, as
individuals, may think we are making personal choices in our
lives and be totally unaware that we are actually acting out
some script that has been handed down, via our family lines, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]